I am going to start writing in this again and call it "personal therapy," considering I wont be able to get any form of legitimate therapy till fall. I don't care what I write. I'm going to put down the stuff here as I would have said it to Nick, and thats it. If you have issues or whatever, don't come to me because this is personal, and I feel that I need to write something someplace, anyplace. I need to reach out to something, but I don't want to be hurt anymore, so I will not reach out to someone. People have a bad tencency to hurt me. I know it's all in my head, but still...

Jersey is incredible boring, and nothing is going according to plan. I suppose I was expecting it, but not to this magnitude. I wanted everything to happen "right" - however, I'll make due with what I have. It's going to be a slow process, the problem is that the summer is too short for slow processes. I wanted too much to happen, and thank god for mmo's or else I would have gone mad by now. At least it's some form of communication with the outside world.

There are times when I get depressed, and thats it. That's one thing i've discovered about myself, it is a chemical thing, and I realize that now, and I realize alot of what I feel has nothing to do with anyone else. I lash out though, and I end up hurting people because I feel hurt; though there is little reason to feel hurt. What is thrown at me is multiplied at times because of whatever is inside of me, and there is nothing I can do about it, except try to control it. When that happens I usually just try to be quiet, but for some reason it's always misinterpreted, and things go wrong. I am a good actress around most people, and I try so hard not to let things phase me, I really do... but sometimes everything just hurts so much. It physically hurts, like i've been punched in the stomach, or like I have a horrible cramp, or sometimes I get those migranes, and take tons of excedrin, which actually hurt my stomach. It also mentally hurts and sometimes I just feel so alone, even though I know I have no reason to feel that way. I also feel trapped in something I cant get out of, like I'm in a ditch that I can just barely touch the edges of, but I'm not strong enough to pull myself out of. It hurts because it's so frustrating. What's more frustrating is that no one really understands what I am going through.

People talk about my "history," either referring to my bad past or my bad stuff passed from my dear parents. In the case of parents, I have an addictive personality, early arthritis, TMJ, alcoholism, some sort of spine disorder that made me short as hell, bad eyesight, stubby fingers, flat feet, and in the case of the worst of the evils, biological bipolarity. I am double bi, ironic. Triple, actually, but thats another story for another day.

In the case of this mental disorder my old therapist felt that my behavior could be conditioned in such a way that I could control the mood swings with rational thinking. It was enforced by my good math skills... or did it enforce them? Hm, another issue for another day. However, I havent had therapy in a long time, and I feel pretty overdue. Alot has happened since then, and where I would have Nick to dump everything onto, in a mentor-like fashion, I have had no guidance or supervision in the past year and a half (has it been that long...) and I am nearly coming to the edge of my tether before I become derailed. I don't really know what I'm going to do with myself, but I am not myself. I want to feel normal. I vaguely remember how normal feels, and from what I remember, I liked it. I want that again.

I used to be able to write better.

Too much conciousness. That is what I have been experiencing. Or rather, a lack thereof? Either one, opposite means can produce the same effects. However, the ends do not justify the means. Too many variables, and not enough places to put them. I am being poisoned by a high dosage of stress. There are too many options facing me right now, and I honestly dont know what I want. It's easiest to talk myself through it; but not to push myself. We dont want me letting out things before they are ready to be let out now, do we?

234 am now.

Je ne sais pas: such is my life as of late. There are many ways to be developed: emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually, etc. I think I missed out on a part of one down the line. There was a point where I had felt above everyone when it came to being fit into my own environment. I have past that point, or rather, it has past me, and I feel like now I have to develop more when I didnt think that I would have to for a while. I feel like I have really missed out on something important, and that I am no longer in control of my atmosphere. I feel like I am not in control of myself, or my future, both immediate and long term. Bad analogy, but its like in FF when you try to go through the plot too quickly without stopping to level, then all of a sudden you get stuck in an area and it's so difficult and frustrating to go back and try getting your experience up... but sometimes it's necessary.

Maybe the summer away is exactly what i need. I need to go on a side quest and power level.

I need to reevaluate my life. Peace out.

I suppose some thoughts are in order.

First semester was overwhelming, but I guess thats how it works out. I spread myself too thin, and over too many areas (with some areas needing the attention much more than others.) But one thing I realized is that over the semester I did not change. One of the areas I needed to pay the most attention to - focusing on my feelings - recieved no such attention at all. I barely had time to write essays. And the fact of the matter is that I am depressed, but I have no time to focus on it. Noone is letting me, and come school time, all my work will not permit breakdowns.

What it is that I need to think about? It just hasn't been coming to me. I haven't been able to write like I used to. I havent been able to articulate my feelings. Maybe because I have hidden everything away from myself, to protect myself and to help concentrate on work. But when I finally have time to think about it, I can't find it. I have lost myself within myself. I don't want to deal with people anymore. Maybe thats why I have become so strange when I am around all of my friends. I just don't really know who I am anymore. I just wish there were some sort of way that I can look at my life over the last 6 months and try to place my finger on where I started getting bad.

God, I hope things are going to be different this year. I hope that I can find enough hours in the day. I hope that I will magically be able to pay off my tuition without having to owe my grandma thousands of dollars.

But most importantly, I hope that I can figure out what is wrong with me.
I miss the way I used to be.
Even if i weren't that great, at least I was sure of what i was feeling.
(God, have I gotten fat)
Please, just make things clear.